Joel's Fabulous 2013 Diet

I'm going on a diet.

I've chosen to announce this gigantic piece of news in this space because I want to be held accountable by the many wonderful friends and family members who read these lame ramblings. I feel that I can pull this off if I have a Greek Chorus of supporters witnessing my efforts and shouting encouragement or screaming hurtful insults.

I need an audience, people. I always have.

You can consider the above photo the "before." It's not quite anatomically correct, but I fear it's in the ballpark.

In three months I will publish another entry featuring an undoctored, up-to-the-minute series of photos of yours truly, which will serve as the "after" and will provide unassailable evidence that I, Joel A. Getman, am now one of the skinniest men in America.

Or at least not has blubbery as I used to be.

I have chosen to make this announcement and take this action now for several reasons. First, it will be relatively easy for me to remember when this diet started. In the past many of my diets ended prematurely because I thought I had been on a diet for six months when in fact it had only been six hours. That won't happen in this case. This diet starts on 1-1-13 and it won't  be over until I walk down the street with onlookers saying, "Did I just see a gracefully aging American man or was that one of those stick insects that usually hide in trees?"

Another reason for this action involves the couch in my Miramar Beach townhouse. When I sit or lie on this couch, something I do quite often, I usually can't get off it. I am currently incapable of getting myself off the couch due to a redistribution of my bodily weight and some very plush cushions. (on the couch!) The other night, I was fearful of having to spend the night on the couch. It was only through the clever use of a series of levers, pulleys, and one very disgruntled longshoreman that I was finally able to make myself vertical again.

Verticality is one of the secrets of a fulfilling life and I want to experience that.

Finally, I have decided I am using too much soap. I currently average 37 showers per bar of soap. After my Fabulous 2013 Diet, with its accompanying decrease in surface area, I am hoping to bump that number up to 50. This will result in significant monetary savings which I will use to buy pizza.

Now admittedly this will not be my first rodeo; although, ironically, if I were to enter a rodeo, it WOULD be my first rodeo. At any rate, I have been on many diets in the past. Obviously, something went terribly wrong.

Of course I am aware that the second you call something a "diet" you doom it to failure. I mean I'm not completely stupid. I read the headlines in the check out line just like the rest of the gals. It's supposed to be a "lifestyle change" or some such new age phrase.

OK, how's this: On January 1, 2013 my lifestyle is going to dramatically change...I'm going to eat better foods and not as much as I did from 1947-2012. How's that?

I have succeeded with this problem in the past. As a matter of fact around 2003 or so I thought I had the problem licked. I went on the South Beach diet with the dedication of a member of Navy Seal Team 6 and lost a significant amount of weight. Strangely, I also started to enjoy pastels but that's neither here nor there. I was almost too good to look at. People couldn't look me in the eye for fear of spontaneously combusting. The weight I lost was donated to the Central African Republic. They used it to create a massive water desalinization facility. I'm told it still works. Alas, little by little my demons came back to tempt and eventually defeat me. It was a classic guerilla maneuver. Small, elite teams of M&Ms and Twix Bars would surreptitiously become available to me out of thin air. (Well, not quite thin air. I had to enter the convenience store to purchase and then eat them.) Heretofore struggling pizza-by-the-slice establishments all over New England would find their fortunes improving thanks to the generosity of a certain not-so-skinny-anymore benefactor. Eventually, they all knew me by name, like Norm at Cheers.

I promise that whatever happens, I won't fall into those same traps again. If my destiny is to remain one of the world's fattest humans, it will be because I've spent the next three months eating too much kale.

Stay tuned, people. It's going to be a wild ride.

Ain't life grand?

Much love to people of all shapes and sizes.
J

A Movie Recommendation

I am about to violate one of my cardinal rules: Never recommend anything to anybody in case they don't like it.

I've followed that rule most of my life with rare exceptions. Of course if I'm asked about this particular restaurant or that particular recording, I'll state my honest opinion if I have one. But I usually don't volunteer the information without a prompt.

I may have made an exception for presidential candidates recently, but I am the kind of person who feels that my opinions are my opinions and have been molded and formed by my particular set of experiences in this life; therefore, how should I expect that they would match your opinions which have been formed by an entirely different set of circumstances?

Plus I want people to like me. People who have lots of opinions are harder to like in my opinion.

I make a little joke.

With this in mind, after carefully thinking about what I am set to do, please let me recommend that everyone out there, I mean in the world, ages 13 and above, see The Life of Pi in 3D today. I mean now, people.

You will thank me later.

Unless you don't like it.

I saw it yesterday on a dreary, rainy day in NW Florida and I'm pretty sure I'm not the same person today that I was before I saw it.

For one thing, I snagged a pair of 3D glasses and didn't recycle them so that I can pay for a cheap movie and sneak into a 3D one in the future.

Hey, I'm a movie critic, not a saint! Besides, you're getting all these gems for free. I've got to make ends meet somehow.

The biggest change in me however is not quite so easy to define, especially without "giving the movie away." Let's just say that there are some BIG QUESTIONS that I and just about everybody else have which, if not answered entirely, are at least provided with some very helpful insights by this cinematic masterpiece.

I was moved to see this film for two reasons. One was that Ada and I listened to the book on one of our long road trips to Florida years ago. I remembered some of the story but not all of it, but knew that I had found it fascinating. Also, a couple of weeks ago the CBS movie critic on the wonderful "Sunday Morning" show gave it his highest recommendation. Unlike me, he actually knows what he's talking about.

Visually, this is the most stunning movie I have ever seen. The 3D only adds to the spectacular beauty of this movie. I remember being blown away by the visuals and colors in James Cameron's Avatar and all of the Lord of the Rings films, but Pi is even more impressive. I believe the reason for this is that this film takes place in our own natural world not on Middle Earth or a far flung planet. These visual wonders are OUR wonders, part of OUR experience and that makes the striking beauty of this film's images that much more powerful. Sure colors are enhanced and things are digitized but all of it COULD happen. There's the difference.

That's only half of the reason to see this movie, although that alone would be worth the price of admission. (An amazing $10.75 for a matinee! This damn well better be good, Getman). This is also a movie of ideas that can be enjoyed and mulled over on many different levels. Hey, if it got me to thinkin', imagine how a smart person will react. The film is the opposite of preachy; the ideas and propositions set forth are done in a gentle, kind manner, like a bowl of ripe fruit on a front porch table. Eat or not, it's up to you. There is no pressure at all. If you decide you don't want to go any deeper than the story on the surface, it will still be a memorable film.

It's funny, but I don't remember being this moved and inspired when Ada and I listened to the book years ago. Maybe this is because the visuals contribute so much to this story.

Or maybe it's because life and circumstances have made me a very different person than I was before.

I guess it's all a matter of opinion.

Ain't life grand?

Much love,
J