Recently we have been treated to two stirring and emotional speeches from the spouses of our two presidential candidates. In my opinion both of the speakers were lovely, graceful, and convincing. My job here is not to steer you toward one or the other of these strong, intelligent women or their husbands. We'll let the dirty money and super pacs do that.
No, my job here is to ask you to suspend your disbelief for a moment and pretend that Ada N. Getman had been asked to give such a speech in support of her beloved husband, Joel A. Getman, candidate for President of these United States. We'll have to make up a party affiliation for candidate Getman since it is unlikely that either of the two usual suspects would have anything to do with him. (Although when you consider Mr. Akin and Mr. Weiner, the threshold for party membership is pretty low!) OK, let's say that Mr. Getman is the popular candidate of the Fairways and Greens party. (party platform: Fairways and greens, baby! How tough can that be?)
What follows is the speech I imagine my beloved Ada would deliver to the gathered and, most likely, inebriated delegates of the Fairways and Greens Party at their raucous convention in the crowded confines of Mulligan's Grill Room, just off the 18th hole at the Santa Rosa Golf Club:
My fellow delegates, Americans, and hammered golfers,
It is my honor to speak tonight in support of my husband, Joel Getman, the next president of the United States. (pause for loud applause and refilling of glasses)
While it is true that he can at times be an idiot, it is also true that he can be a moron. Often I have said to myself, "I can't tell whether he's being an idiot or a moron." But let's not get caught up in semantics.
My husband has a big heart. I don't mean in the emotional sense. I mean in the congenital sense. It's huge and the doctors are quite worried about it. But does he make appointments to see what can be done about it? Not until I nag him half to death. That's my hubby. Please vote for him and take him off my hands.
He came from very humble beginnings. Unfortunately, he hasn't moved very far from those humble beginnings so we're still driving a car with fins and our television only gets 13 channels...depending on whether the antenna is working. I hear they have a good cable package in the White House.
As far as policies go, my husband is smart enough to know that a President is beholding to the Congress for almost all of his actions. With that in mind, and judging from the House's current 10 per cent approval rating, Joel is probably just going to let those clowns duke it out amongst themselves and then be there to pick up the pieces afterwards. His motto will be, "Hey, if I don't propose it, they can't oppose it." Pretty clever I think.
Finally, I would like to say something about my husband's energy policy. He has a decided lack thereof. Oh, there was a time when he took up jogging, but I think that was mainly so he could try on new sneakers. He almost never won any of the hundreds of diet contests he promoted with his fellow teachers. If I remember correctly in one such contest the winner lost a total of three pounds over a month. I believe Joel came in 12th. Not much energy there.
Yet, if an obviously intelligent, beautiful, clear-thinking woman like me can find a way to love such an idiot, there must be something there, wouldn't you say?
We can do what we've always done and vote for men or women of intellect and achievement. Or, barring that, at least wealth. But I think it's time for America to go another way. It's time to join hands with the iconic character and one of Joel's great heroes, George Costanza.
Yes, my fellow Americans, it's time to do the opposite!
God bless you and God bless the United States of America.
Ain't pretendin' grand?
Much love,
J
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